A great way to let people know you’re a board-certified muscle-haver is to keep a giant jar of protein powder in a highly visible area. Locations like bedside tables and on top of your desk at work are optimal  places to display that ungainly bottle of cum-scented muscle dust!


Sure your powder’s on display, but guess what, you gorgeous heap of swollen flesh, so are you! Keep an enormous thermos full of the finest muscular milk on hand at all times to let friends and co-workers know that working out is a full-time job. Trust me, they’ll be impressed.


Why have one spotter when you can have an entire Internet’s worth? Use cool hashtags like #gymrat or #teamfit, as well as blurry, awkwardly-angled Instagram pics of your gym to alert everyone in your life to this important willpower choice you’ve just made.

4Leaving areas like legs and abs completely un-refined will help your lowly acquaintances catch onto the fact that you’re an insanely yolked muscle god whose very presence is a divine gift. When pressed about this discrepancy,  just say “you’re in a bulking phase.”

5You are a fleshbound statue carved from the purest brawnze. To cloak your form would be a disservice to the gangly skin puppets whom you allow to oggle your physique.

6Remember, there are no such thing as gimmicks. Replace your chair with an exercise ball, use a weighted mouse, do squats instead of sitting, WHATEVER IT TAKES. Every idle minute is one you could have been using to commit first-degree MURDER on your goddamn core.

7The weirder the name, the bigger the gain! Whether you do Paleo, a Raw Cleanse, or even try to summon the elusive “MeatleJuice” diet, just be sure to remind the miserable flesh-skeletons you call friends about your newfound food restrictions multiple times a day.

8Imagine never having to share the room with another sallow-skinned meatpurse again! Convince your friends to join your Gym! To make sure they get the message, do several reps of incessant pestering, followed by a mixed cooldown of shame and peer pressure.

9The Final Payoff to a good workout  is making  sure that your loved ones have to special order an extra-large coffin just to fit the swollen, god-like mass you’ve become. Also, be sure to get buried with an extra jar of protein powder, so you can get swoll as hell while actually in Hell!